I reckon you’re going to be a busy month for me. At the end of your days, I need to have finished the first version of my master’s thesis. It’s been coming up very slow and I can only hope to finish on time. It feels weird, saying that I need to finish my master’s thesis. Kind of feels like saying I’m past the point of no return. Not that I’d want to quit my studies, but sometimes I do feel a bit trapped. Trapped in this life of going to school and studying while trying to have a life for myself at the side.
The thing is, I know it’s not going to change in the next few years and sometimes I wonder if I’ve made a mistake. I realise I’ve got a great future ahead of me if everything goes the way it’s planned and I am thankful for that, but the heart always wants what it can’t have.I want to travel the world, I want to see so many more places, do so much more, and I’m just so afraid I’ll never get the chance.
Once in every while, these fears creep up on me and I start to doubt every decision I’ve made in the past few years. Not just education wise, but also in my personal life. I sometimes feel like I’m not making the most of it. I am a pretty calm and steady person and I know my boundaries, but sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t challenge myself more. Go more places, do things I wouldn’t normally do.
But then again, I do know myself and while I’m absolutely up for a challenge, I also know there’s things I just don’t like. For example, I hate going clubbing. I have never seen the appeal of it and while I’ve tried to enjoy myself on the few times I actually went out, I never seemed to have a great a time as others around me.
But while I dislike going clubbing, I do enjoy having a beer and a good time with friends — either at someone’s house or at a pub or café. But somehow I still feel like I’m missing out on things because I don’t like clubbing, even though I know I won’t enjoy myself. Things like that make me doubt myself so much, that I’m so scared of missing out while I know it’s not for me.
My master’s thesis should be finished in April and my internships don’t start until the end of August. This leaves me with four months of spare time and I plan to make the most of it. I have already booked a solo trip to Dublin in May, something I’m really looking forward too! A friend and I are also talking about going to Athens for a quick city trip somewhere in June. So, while I have my fears and doubts, I’m also trying to keep myself busy and keep trying to come up with new things to do. Some are scary (going to Dublin alone is quite scary to me, I’ve never left the country by myself), but it’s definitely exciting!
At the end, I’m just trying to figure out life and make sure that when I’m going to die (hopefully when I’m eighty and okay with it), I am able to look back on my life and think I’ve done well.